such as the myriad of plot holes (like the jungle native cultures that didn’t fit into the areas they were protecting). There were also some odd dialog moments that seemed forced because they needed to be added for stupid people (the 10 second clip by the waterfalls when Indiana Jones sounded like he was reading from a teleprompter, “I’m going… into “that” cave… and no one… needs to come with me,” but of course they all do). But the one that pissed me off the most was the underdeveloped characters like Cate Blanchette’s semi- but not really, psychic powers. She was cool, but she could have been sooo much cooler. There were also a few "gay-ish" things going on in the movie that a few of us noticed. For example, during the scene when Indiana and "the boy" go to the 50's diner to discuss a letter he received, take a close look at what's going on in the background.
All the guys hanging out are wearing either a 50-60's styled "jock/preppy" outfit or dressed as "leather/greaser" dudes and they're all having conversations with each other with one girl (we call them fruit flies) per couple of guys. The scene looked like it was filmed in the modern SF Castro or NY Chelsea. And don't get me started on leather boy driving his daddy around on a motorcycle or the scene where they compare who has a bigger knife and then Harrison Ford winks at Shia Labeouf...But by the end I was still cheering away with the rest of the fans and calling it “Indiana Graffiti of the Third Kind”. But after some time to reflect, I think “Fozianna Jones of the Third Kind” is much more appropriate. Needless to say, I'm praying for an extended edition that fixes everything. But in the mean time, I've created a little script of how I imagine Spielberg and Lucas came up with the plot:
- Spielberg: "Hey what are you doing this weekend? Wanna plan a big blockbuster?"
- Lucas: "Sure, I don't have anything major going on. What did you have in mind?
- Spielberg: "I was thinking that I need to show the world how critical aliens are to civilization; but I don't want anyone to know I'm really a Scientologist."
- Lucas: "Totally man! I know what you mean because I want to touch on a few political and environmental views that I wasn’t able to cover in the Star Wars series. You know, like how horrible nuclear weapons really are, protesting war, tearing down rain forests without a worry, and wipeout civilizations without a second guess. But I want to get those points across in a clever funny way.”
- Spielberg: “Perfect! I think we can make that happen. So what other thoughts do you have?”
- Lucas: “Well, I just need to put my signature on the movie, but I have to watch my back with the Star Wars geeks. So what can I do? Hmm… Oh I know!!! How bout we incorporate American Graffiti as the era for the movie?"
- Spielberg: “Like Fonzie meets aliens? I’m liking this a lot. Plus it will help us reel in the baby boomer generation.”
- Lucas: “Exactly!”
- Spielberg: “Now let’s see. I covered “friendly aliens” in Close Encounters and I did “scary aliens” in War of the Worlds; so how about we make these sort of “neutral aliens”? Oh, and maybe we can have Fonzie try to help them in some way?”
- Lucas: "Now that's a super cool idea! Total Area 51-ish theme before everyone got jaded by the X-Files. Give me a high-five!"
- Spielberg: "Right on man! But how do we tie American Graffiti and Close Encounters together? Fonzie was cool, but it’s not like he could summon aliens with is magic thumbs.”
- Lucas: "Oh I know! I know! With a new… Get this… Are you ready? A new Indiana Jones movie!!! Like Fonzie and Indiana Jones’ on an adventure together.”
- Spielberg: “Holy crap! That’s genius. We’re totally onto something here. But we need the young kids to be interested too.”
- Lucas: “How bout Tom Cruise? He likes aliens A LOT.”
- Spielberg: “Are you nuts? That powder keg will kill the whole film before the script is finished. No, we need someone who is young and hot right now.”
- Lucas: “What about that kid in the Transformers movie you helped out on? He’s young, hip, great with the ladies, and would make a fantastic Fonzie!”
- Spielberg: “You know you’re right. What was his name, Shyla? Shiela? Oh, that’s right. It’s Shia Labeouf! Now how do we reel in the old school Indiana Jones fans, so we’ll need to find out what that Marianne chick is up to these days and get her on board.”
- Lucas: “Perfect! Everyone loved her in the first movie so maybe we can reunite their flame? Plus Fonzie can be their son! Of course we’ll also need some kind of unexplored jungle location with some cool traps and a few restless natives. But what are we gonna do without Nazis?”
- Spielberg: “Dude, that’s a total no-brainer. We use the Russians. KGB special agents and crap like that. After all, they were the “silent enemy” of the Cold War generations.”
- Lucas: “Sweet! And do you think we can we also get that scary psychic chick from Lord of the Rings? The one who was reading everyone’s mind? I really wanted to see more of her.”
- Spielberg: “Yeah, I think that’s “Elizabeth” Blanchett. Oh wait, no, I mean Cate Blanchette, who played Elizabeth. I think she’s one of my Facebook buddies. Let me text her agent right now and see if she’s available.”
- Lucas: “Oh my god! This is sooo great.”
- Spielberg: “Yeah, and think of the amusement park possibilities. We’ll make bazillions!!!”
